Category: Writers Block
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, or meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If
you
have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
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English can be so complex to understand sometimes
Read the paragraph below ....and try to understand the meaning.
Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of
a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size
of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously
descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of
his anatomical structure; Subsequently the second member of the team
performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction
taken by the first team member.
scroll down to understand:.......(in simple English what does this
translate to??) . . . .
SCROLL DOWN..............................
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Jack and jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
and jill came tumbling after!!!
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Remember Wren & Martin ???
PUNNY STORY
A consonant walks into a bar and sits down next to a vowelly girl.
"Hi!" he says. "I'll alphabet that you've never been here before."
"Of cursive I have," she replies. "I come here, like, all the time. For
me, it's parse for the course."
The consonant remains stationery, enveloped by the vowelly girl's
letter-perfect charm.
"Here's a cute joke" he states declaratively. "Up at the North Pole, St.
Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His children are
dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Claus. And Santa's
elves are subordinate Clauses. As a group, they're all renoun Clauses."
Then he lays on some more dashes of humor: "Have you heard about the
fellow who had half his digestive tract removed? He walked around with a
semi-colon."
"Are you like prepositioning me?" asks the vowelly girl.
"I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition. Your beauty
phrase my nerves. Won't you come up to my place for a coordinating
conjunction?"
"I don't want to be diacritical of you, but you're like, such a boldfaced
character!" replies the vowelly girl. "Like do I have to spell it out to
you, or are you just plain comma-tose? You're not my type, so get off my
case!"
Despite his past perfect, he is, at present, tense.
"Puhleeze, gag me with a spoonerism!" she objects. "As my Grammar and
other correlatives used to say, your mind is in the guttural. I resent
your umlautish behavior. You should know what the wages of syntax are. I
nominative absolutely decline to conjugate with you fer sure!"
"You get high quotation marks for that one," he smiles, "even if I think
you're being rather subjunctive and moody about all this. I so admire your
figure of speech that I would like to predicate my life on yours." So he
gets himself into an indicative mood and says, "It would be appreciated by
me if you would be married to me."
"Are you being passive aggressive?" she asks interrogatively.
"No, I'm speaking in the active voice. Please don't have a vowel movement
about this. I simile want to say to you, 'Metaphors be with you!' I would
never want to change you and become a misplaced modifier. It's imperative
that you understand that I'm very, very font of you and want us to spend
infinitive together."
"That's quite a compliment," she blushes -- and gives him appositive
response.
At the ceremonies they exchange wedding vowels about the compound subject
of marriage.
Finally, they say, "I do," which is actually the longest and most complex
of sentences -- a run-on sentence, actually -- one that we all hope won't
turn out to be a sentence fragment.
Then the minister diagrams that sentence and says, "I now pronouns you
consonant and vowel."
They kiss each other on the ellipsis and whisper to each other, "I love
you, noun forever."
Throughout their marriage, their structure is perfectly parallel and their
verbs never disagree with their subjects.
After many a linking verve, comma splice and interjection, they conceive
the perfect parent thesis. Then come some missing periods and powerful
contractions, and into the world is born their beautiful little boy.
They know it is a boy because of its dangling participle!
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The English Language:
You Think English is Easy???
Read to the end...a new twist to an oldie..
Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
last bit:
Excellent play on words...enjoy
. A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
. A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
. A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.
. A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.
. A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
. Acupuncture : . . . a jab well done.
. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
right now.
. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he justdidn't have the
balls to do it.
. I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the
time.
. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.
. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.
. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes
bends.
. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
. I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on
words.
. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
. A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No
change yet'.
. The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.
. Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and
their noses run.
. When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work.
. I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could
get thinner there.
. Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to
conduct itself.
. A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end
of his sentence.
. A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no
. Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
. Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in
higher powers.
. It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.
. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
. My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out
a little whine.
. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
. She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
. John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't
stand behind.
. Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the
point?
. I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my
kleptomania
you are so right the english language is not easy
for example
that fowl smells foul
and Did the male person get my mail?
lol, awesome. probably fits in the joke board rather than writers but oh well